Day 68 Getting over that slump...or is it hump?

I'm having a pretty good week. A few cheats at work, but the scale still tells me I'm down and today my pants felt really loose. I know how easy that can change and sometimes I wonder when I'm standing there at work...in my baggy assed pants, feeling thinner than I really am, why I would even want to pop that peanut butter cookie sample into my mouth?

It's an age old question and god knows if I could come up with the answer to that, I'd be rich. If there were only a simple solution to why we cheat and how we can stop ourselves. Why do I have days where nothing at all can tempt me and other days when I know I shouldn't and still I do. I've never really thought of myself as an emotional eater, though I suppose at times I am. Mostly I think I eat when I'm bored and even more so when I'm tired. I often wonder if it's the sugar fix I need...that quick pick me up to get me over that "slump", only to find myself in an even bigger slump needing an even bigger fix.

I've been pretty good about keeping track of my calories...even so far as marking down those nasty morsels that pass my lips when no one is looking. Maybe I need to think about journaling my feelings...finding out why I have those glorious days filled with so much energy and enormous amounts of will power and why on other days I just eat without thinking.

The funny thing is that reading over what I've just written it all sounds so ridiculous. I do know. I know that eating that cookie bit sets me off on a day of non stop nibbling. That that same snacking causes me to feel so tired and being that tired throws any willpower I might have out out the window. I know it. I need to work on only one thing right now. Resisting that very first bite. I've done it before. If I can stop myself from putting that cookie into my mouth, then I don't have to fight with myself for the rest of the day. I don't have to continuously try to talk myself out of cheating....I only need to do it the one time. I have done it before. I've said no...I've walked away...and there isn't any better feeling in the world.

Tomorrow I'm stopping before I start...

Day 64 Embarassment

Embarassed, frustrated, angry...with myself. I'm back from Vancouver with a weight gain and worse than the nasty fat that's refastened itself to my hips is the fact that I've avoided coming here for a good week since arriving home. Which, as you can imagine hasn't done a thing to rid myself of those ugly added pounds because it was easier to just stop trying...easier still to avoid the scale and mostly it was too easy to skip out on the calorie counting. I can see now there really isn't room for slacking off. I walked my behind off in Vancouver! I walked for miles and miles. Stood my my feet 5 hours in each of the 4 days that I worked. Paced constantly. I was careful the first few days. I made sandwiches for Mr. Soontobeskinnygirl and myself and packed oranges so we'd continue to eat healthy. I bought frozen blueberries, oat bran and soy milk so that we'd eat a good breakfast before we left for work. We drank water constantly. I honestly thought I was making wise choices when we ate dinner out. A veggie platter, consisting of steamed asparagus, sauteed mushrooms and sweet potato fries one night. I even shared it with my daughter. I KNOW there was probably too much fat. Those mushrooms were probably laden with butter and of course sweet potato fries are deep fried, but even so. I felt so energetic those first few days. I didn't want to stop walking. I didn't want to "go home"...back to my daughter's apartment. I wanted to see everything. I honestly felt like I had a little bounce in my step...even after a long day...backtracking from the SkyTrain to the grocery store and then walking those long blocks back to the apartment. My daughter noticed it. I think she was surprised! Three days in I didn't make sandwiches. Instead we stuffed our faces with burgers...thick lentil burgers on enormous buns and fat sausages covered in greasy onions, wrapped inside an even fatter bun. One thing led to another and I stopped being as careful.

I suppose it doesn't matter in the end. Whatever the reason, I didn't lose anything. I gained weight. I know some of it was water retention because I suffered from puffy ankles and felt a little bloated once I got home. I find that happens when I eat too many carbs. Standing on my feet all day never helps. I know it too, because I dropped several pounds within days of coming home...thank goodness! But not enough. Now of course I feel like I'm going backwards and all the hard work I did to lose those pounds...my beloved 10 pound loss isn't that beautiful 10 pounds anymore. It's more like 6. There...I've admitted it. This morning I weighed myself and I'm at 235.2. *sigh*

I've know I've said it before...no use crying over spilt milk. I've spent the last week feeling sorry for myself...wallowing in self pity as I stuff my face with all the things I know aren't good for me. Tomorrow I'm dusting off my iPod and plugging those calories into that program I've bragged up. I'm jumping out of bed and plugging into RealAge to sweat those pounds off with Leslie. Tomorrow I'm going to spend some time pouring over your blogs, whipping myself into a motivational frenzy. Tomorrow I'm back on track.

PS The Olympics really were electric! We had so much fun!