Day 68 Getting over that slump...or is it hump?

I'm having a pretty good week. A few cheats at work, but the scale still tells me I'm down and today my pants felt really loose. I know how easy that can change and sometimes I wonder when I'm standing there at work...in my baggy assed pants, feeling thinner than I really am, why I would even want to pop that peanut butter cookie sample into my mouth?

It's an age old question and god knows if I could come up with the answer to that, I'd be rich. If there were only a simple solution to why we cheat and how we can stop ourselves. Why do I have days where nothing at all can tempt me and other days when I know I shouldn't and still I do. I've never really thought of myself as an emotional eater, though I suppose at times I am. Mostly I think I eat when I'm bored and even more so when I'm tired. I often wonder if it's the sugar fix I need...that quick pick me up to get me over that "slump", only to find myself in an even bigger slump needing an even bigger fix.

I've been pretty good about keeping track of my calories...even so far as marking down those nasty morsels that pass my lips when no one is looking. Maybe I need to think about journaling my feelings...finding out why I have those glorious days filled with so much energy and enormous amounts of will power and why on other days I just eat without thinking.

The funny thing is that reading over what I've just written it all sounds so ridiculous. I do know. I know that eating that cookie bit sets me off on a day of non stop nibbling. That that same snacking causes me to feel so tired and being that tired throws any willpower I might have out out the window. I know it. I need to work on only one thing right now. Resisting that very first bite. I've done it before. If I can stop myself from putting that cookie into my mouth, then I don't have to fight with myself for the rest of the day. I don't have to continuously try to talk myself out of cheating....I only need to do it the one time. I have done it before. I've said no...I've walked away...and there isn't any better feeling in the world.

Tomorrow I'm stopping before I start...

Day 64 Embarassment

Embarassed, frustrated, angry...with myself. I'm back from Vancouver with a weight gain and worse than the nasty fat that's refastened itself to my hips is the fact that I've avoided coming here for a good week since arriving home. Which, as you can imagine hasn't done a thing to rid myself of those ugly added pounds because it was easier to just stop trying...easier still to avoid the scale and mostly it was too easy to skip out on the calorie counting. I can see now there really isn't room for slacking off. I walked my behind off in Vancouver! I walked for miles and miles. Stood my my feet 5 hours in each of the 4 days that I worked. Paced constantly. I was careful the first few days. I made sandwiches for Mr. Soontobeskinnygirl and myself and packed oranges so we'd continue to eat healthy. I bought frozen blueberries, oat bran and soy milk so that we'd eat a good breakfast before we left for work. We drank water constantly. I honestly thought I was making wise choices when we ate dinner out. A veggie platter, consisting of steamed asparagus, sauteed mushrooms and sweet potato fries one night. I even shared it with my daughter. I KNOW there was probably too much fat. Those mushrooms were probably laden with butter and of course sweet potato fries are deep fried, but even so. I felt so energetic those first few days. I didn't want to stop walking. I didn't want to "go home"...back to my daughter's apartment. I wanted to see everything. I honestly felt like I had a little bounce in my step...even after a long day...backtracking from the SkyTrain to the grocery store and then walking those long blocks back to the apartment. My daughter noticed it. I think she was surprised! Three days in I didn't make sandwiches. Instead we stuffed our faces with burgers...thick lentil burgers on enormous buns and fat sausages covered in greasy onions, wrapped inside an even fatter bun. One thing led to another and I stopped being as careful.

I suppose it doesn't matter in the end. Whatever the reason, I didn't lose anything. I gained weight. I know some of it was water retention because I suffered from puffy ankles and felt a little bloated once I got home. I find that happens when I eat too many carbs. Standing on my feet all day never helps. I know it too, because I dropped several pounds within days of coming home...thank goodness! But not enough. Now of course I feel like I'm going backwards and all the hard work I did to lose those pounds...my beloved 10 pound loss isn't that beautiful 10 pounds anymore. It's more like 6. There...I've admitted it. This morning I weighed myself and I'm at 235.2. *sigh*

I've know I've said it before...no use crying over spilt milk. I've spent the last week feeling sorry for myself...wallowing in self pity as I stuff my face with all the things I know aren't good for me. Tomorrow I'm dusting off my iPod and plugging those calories into that program I've bragged up. I'm jumping out of bed and plugging into RealAge to sweat those pounds off with Leslie. Tomorrow I'm going to spend some time pouring over your blogs, whipping myself into a motivational frenzy. Tomorrow I'm back on track.

PS The Olympics really were electric! We had so much fun!

Day 46 I'm Ready!

I'm busy getting my things ready for Vancouver. I'm feeling pretty good about the new things I bought for the trip and this morning I was rummaging through my drawers and found a pair of pants that I bought eons ago and have never worn (the tags were still hanging from them)! Size 18 and they fit perfectly! I had my own fashion show this morning (just for me)...trying on new things...mixing and matching so that I now have several outfits from a few choice pieces. Whether or not I look thinner in my new duds the important thing is that I feel thinner...more fit and more than anything else, I feel less self conscious about my weight than I normally do!

I'm pumped, but Mr. Soontobeskinnygirl is even more pumped! Go figure! He balked at the idea originally, which of course led to me begging and pleading, until I finally said I was going alone regardless of what he decided. Now it's him that's bragging it up to his friends! I think we should have a good time if we can survive the large crowds! Arrgggh...I really don't like big crowds but I think in general there's going to be a lot of excitement so it'll be fine.

I wish now that I'd given myself a few more days. My time there is going to buzz by quicker than I want. I'm not sure how much I'll see my daughter and her beau, other than early mornings and evenings. I'm also hoping to get together with my sis who'll be there a few days after we arrive. For now I'm not going to worry to much about making plans. It should all fall into place once we arrive.

So..wish me luck! I hope you all have a great week! I'm not sure if I'll be on to post or not while I'm away, but I'll be looking forward to my weigh in once I'm back, because I'm determined to lose!

Day 45 "Do YOU Believe?"

I'm sure by now you all know that Canada won it's first gold medal in Vancouver! Not just the first IN Vancouver, but it's the first gold won in an Olympics held in our own country. Big stuff. HUGE! Congratulatons Alexandre Bilodeau! I watched his mogul run and all of the interviews afterwards, including the one with his family. His older brother Frederic was born with cerebral palsy and was told he wouldn't walk after the age of 10. He's now 28 and still walking. According to his younger brother and our new gold medal champ, he never complains about his condition, nor lets it get in the way of things he wants to do. Alex calls him his hero and the inspiration behind his winnings. I can see why.

It was all so touching. I shed more than a few tears watching it. The first when Alex won his race and more again as they showed Frederic cheering wildly from the sidelines.

I started to think how dedicated these athletes are. How something like that can inspire them to do the almost impossible. How hard they train to become champions. I really don't know what the diets of these hard working athletes is, but I can guess that they're not often stuffing their faces with junk food or drinking diet pop. Not because they might not crave a loaded two ton cheeseburger and in Alex's case a Poutine (fries, topped with cheese curds and gravy for those of you that don't know), but because they know they can't. Not if they want to do well. I can guess too, that they're not talking themselves out of some grueling workout because they're too lazy to do it. They push. They push and push themselves to unbelievable limits. I'm sure there are times they'd like to quit. I'm sure there are tears. I'm almost positive there are disappointments, but they keep moving forward, always striving to win.

I'm sure you see where I'm going with this.

If Alex can push himself to win...if Jennifer Heil, Hannah Kearney and even Frederic can do it. Then why can't I? I can do the seemingly impossible...can't I? Perhaps the theme of our 2010 Olympics fits well into our healthier lifestyle vision..."Do you believe?"

I do!

Day 44 Happy Valentines Day! (and a good weigh day too!)

Down 3.6! My best loss to date! I can't say that I did anything different, but something worked. It would be easy to for me to say that I had a perfect week but I did have a few very unnecessary cheats. :-( I have to keep reminding myself that this is a learning process. Something I want to carry with me for the rest of my life. (Rome wasn't built in a day) I'm becoming more and more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth, often thinking of the consequences BEFORE I do and I'm recognizing how even a small amount of daily physical exercise helps me to lose weight and more importantly feel better. My goal for this upcoming week...to be under that 100 pound mark...it's so very near! I can do it even when I'm in Vancouver for the Olympics!

The nice thing about Vancouver, for those of you that have never been, is that it's a very "health conscious" city. Of all the cities I've been too (and it's not like I'm some seasoned world traveller), I'm always aware that people there appear to be thinner and much more active. Perhaps it's the weather and the fact that it's always easier to do outdoor activities when you're not fighting a few feet of snow, a sidewalk that's better for skating than it is walking or running or, as in my case, frigid temps. Whatever the reason, I always feel a inspired to take better care of myself when I'm there.

On an entirely different topic, I went shopping with my sis yesterday. The entire day! I have to say that I endured it well. Afterwards, I found that I wasn't so much physically tired, (you know what I mean...when you're shopping endlessly and your head starts to fog and just putting one foot in front of the other seems to take every ounce of energy you can muster) I was just tired of "looking". In the end, I bought a heap of things and spent FAR too much money (don't tell my hubby) but I'm really happy with my purchases. I was careful to buy things that would continue to wear well as I drop the weight. It's really difficult to always "look nice" in big baggy pants and shirts that hang shapelessly from your shoulders. It's even more difficult to pull out your wallet and buy something that you'll know won't fit you forever. I'd like to think the money I spent yesterday was well spent. That the "boyfriend" cardigan I purchased has months if not years of use and that more than anything, I'm going to feel better about myself in my new and better fitting duds.

That said...it's time to get physical....

Happy Valentine's day to you all! Make it special!

Day 42 Quickie

Get your mind out of the gutter.

I don't have a lot of time. As usual, I'm rushing around with little time left before I need to leave for work. I haven't been on these past few days...damned work is cutting into my blogging!

I'd love to say things have been going perfectly, but I've had a few cheats. Little things, but cheats non the less. It's not easy working in a bakery! I am determined though to LOSE weight while doing it...hoping I'll surprise EVERYONE! Yesterday they brought out a new pastry for Saturdays. A Saskatoon berry, cream cheese sort of danish. I told myself I'd try one bite...but that led to two and then three. It's very good! Probably better than both the Pain au Chocolate and the Caramel Apple Brioche put together. Thank god I don't normally work a Saturday.

The good news is I weighed myself this morning and I'm down...in fact...*whispers*...according to my scale, I've hit my 10 pounds! We'll see Sunday. That's when I'll have my official weigh day this week because I'm watching the Olympic Opening Ceremonies at my sister's tonight and staying in the city so that I can shop for a few new things before I'm off to the Olympics! I'm a little apprehensive but excited about the possibily of going down a size AND finding shoes to fit my "little less than square" feet!

I'm watching my cals today so that I don't have to worry to much about tonight. I don't think we're having much as we watch the Opening Ceremonies, but even so, my biggest challenge is when I'm eating at something like that. I'm going to try not to worry so much about calories as I am about portions. Little bits...eat slowly. The last time I was at her house for a movie night, we made up a bit of an antipasto platter and I swear we all took a few deep breaths and inhaled it in a matter of seconds!

*fingers crossed* for a good Sunday weigh in and good luck on your weigh ins as well!

See you then!

Day 39 Self Control

I've had a good week. An excellent week. I've planned my meals in advance, which I'm finding works best for me. I'm now switching between two breakfasts...one I call my morning gruel...steel cut oats, oat bran, flax seed and a little cinnamon, poured over a 1/2 cup of blueberries and eaten with natural soy milk (unsweetened)...the second my spinach and feta egg white omelet. Both seem to sustain me through the morning, until I have either my lunch or on work days when I eat lunch quite late, my smoothie. My dinners are an entirely different thing. I do need to plan them in advance, even so much as figuring how many calories I can eat through the day so that I can have the dinner I'm planning. (If that makes any sense) Needless to say we've been eating very well and super healthy. Tonight I made the Italian Meatballs in Tomato Sauce I was going to make the other day (to eat either tomorrow night or Thursday because this dish gets better when it's a few days old). I even figured out the calorie count on SparkRecipes...thanks to whomever suggested that!

I'm still measuring EVERYTHING. I'll measure the 10 portions my Italian Meatballs will serve so that I know exactly what I'm eating. My husband thinks I'm crazy. He can't believe I spoon out our dinners with a measuring cup and spoon equal portions into little plastic containers for lunch the next day or to freeze for another meal. He of course gets to eat more. That wasn't always the case. I could eat as much as him and most often our portions were equal.

Control freak that I am, I really do NEED to do this. Forever? Who knows. Maybe one day I'll recognize a normal portion without the measuring cup but for now it's what I need to do. I feel a little nervous going out for dinner...somewhere other than home. The other night I had dinner at my mom's. I made it. My eighty year old mother tends to make far too much...not only portion wise but in variety. She'll have potatoes AND rice, or noodles as a side dish, along with a whole lot of other things....often fried. It's not that I don't like her cooking, because generally I do. In fact I had dinner there a week or so ago as well and it was delicious. But I ate far too much...like I always do when I'm there. There's something about eating at my mom's and wanting to eat a LOT. Too much. It's like I lose control. I'll admit that she pushes..."oh...try some of this"..."a little of that won't hurt you". Strange really because my mom is always "hinting" that I should lose weight and then when I'm trying, she'll tell me I "can have a little". Just you wait until I lose a lot...she's sure to tell me I'm getting "too thin".

Anyway, bringing dinner to her...a low cal, uber delicious dinner felt good. I didn't overeat. In fact, I ate what I had measured out on my plate and nothing more. I didn't indulge in the individual packets of dried cranberries or the mixed nuts she'd set out after dinner...I didn't have the apple juice she kept pushing on me and I didn't have the scone.

Next week I fly to Vancouver for the Olympics! I'm excited! I'm also a little worried about "undoing" what I've done. I'm worried about eating out...eating too much...eating the right stuff. I'm going to have to work very hard at portion control and get over the fact that I can't track the calories because more often than not, I'm not going to know. The good news is that I'll be walking...miles and miles...so that'll be good.

I'm hoping I can continue to blog...to read your posts, to share what I've been doing. I'm finding I need you....your comments and your blog posts...for those pats on the back and the motivating stories that keep me just that...motivated.

I'm off to bed...night night!