Day 5 Why Me?

I haven’t revealed my weight to you yet. I’ve been purposely avoiding it. In fact, you’re not going to know it even now. I suppose it’s embarrassment…especially if someone I know reads this blog. Strange really. It’s not like the extra pounds are invisible but it’s humiliating admitting it to anyone (myself included). When I lose it I'll be thrilled to tell everyone. So suffice it to say I have a lot to loose. A hundred pounds...nothing less...perhaps a little more. 100 lbs. Wow...THAT sounds SO far away.

I’ve done it before. Lost I mean...but never 100 lbs. 40 at the most. Forty is a lot, though in comparison to 100 it seems like a pittance...but still, I did it. I do remember how it felt. How good I felt. How everyone congratulated me. I also remember feeling a little awkward in my new body. I’m guessing that’s normal. One of the things remember most is shopping. The very first time I stepped in a clothing store with “normal” sizes. It was attached to the plus sized store so the woman helping me could appreciate my excitement when I told her I hadn’t fit into a size 16 for ages. That felt soooo good.

I have to wonder how I let myself get this big. I mean forty pounds is one thing, but 100? I remember when I said I’d never allow myself to climb above the two hundred mark. Never say never. The strange thing is I don’t feel this large. Okay, so that’s only partly true. I do when my legs ache. When my chest hurts as I gasp for breath after anything remotely physical. I know it when I’m sitting in a theatre seat and my butt fills the chair and my knees push forward because my thickness is too big for the space. But I don’t feel obese. There...I’ve said it. I don’t feel like the very large people I see in magazines or on TV. That is, not until I see a picture of myself. That’s when it hits me.

We watched family videos at my sister’s over the holidays. I really loathe myself in them. I look big. VERY big. I have that fat-woman face. I watched myself perched on the edge of her sofa...thick knees...sausage fingers folded in my lap...periodically tugging at my shirt...looking more than a little uncomfortable. My mother commented when seeing me, “You look skinny there!” SKINNY? I thought I looked larger than life itself!

That did it for me.

I need to dig out pics of me. Plaster them over the house.

Incentive or humiliation? I guess we'll see.

Day 4 Blech!

Feeling a little "blechy" today. Tired and achy. My legs especially. That sort of throbbing, thickish, achy feeling. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the weight I've put on over the holidays...that and the fact that I think I have varicose veins, though they're nicely hidden under fat. Did I mention that I jumped on the scale yesterday after a long hiatus? Yep, I did. It wasn't good news...in fact, I damned near fainted! But this morning it's not nearly so bad. Perhaps it was water retention yesterday...definitely that horrid mid afternoon weigh in. (I should know better). Anyway, today I'm much the same as I was before Christmas so that is good news. I just feel worse. I've been lazy. I've eaten too much junk.

Spilt milk. I was pretty careful about my food choices yesterday...eating a salad with mixed beans for lunch and black bean burgers for dinner. Bean overload I know, but I love them! I'm pretty sure I ate the recommended daily fiber and then some. The good news...beans have become a huge part of my diet but don't cause me any problems (c'mon, you know exactly what I mean...). I probably shouldn't have eaten so many sweet potato fries though (homemade so I limited the oil I used and baked them in the oven). I wanted to avoid carbs and though I'm not sold on the low carb diet thing, I have noticed that carbs really don't agree with me. Endomorph. Naturally thick. God, that sounds sad. I'm sure there's a willowy wrist under here somewhere! Anyway, it makes perfect sense because Endomorphs are carb intolerant and I find if I can avoid them, I do feel MUCH better. Energetic. Thinner. More alert. So I avoid things like breads, rice and pasta. I still believe fruits are good for me. Potatoes too. I just need to limit the amount I eat. Lecturing to myself. Sometimes I need that.

So today I did 15 minutes of indoor walking (there's the best video on Real Age). I planned to do 30 but the link copped out on me. I'll do it again this afternoon I think. I wasn't feeling particularly spry whilst doing it, but anything is better than nothing, right? I'm also drinking lots of water. That too, makes me feel better. Small steps towards bigger successes.

I really am ready!

Day 3 Portion Control

Yesterday went so well. Then last night happened. We were invited to friends and the drinks and goodies got the best of me. Not that I drank much...but one cranberry margarita and 3 mugs of hot apple cider can't be good for me, not to mention the homemade nuts and bolts mix, cheese ball and crackers and cookies. I started off well, and I should know better, because for me it's all or nothing. If I don't eat it, I don't crave it...but when I do...look out! I can't stop. Crazy I know and I wonder how many of you have the same problem. There must be some medical reason for this...surely it's not all willpower?

I watch the thin people I know and see them taking 5 potato chips...yes 5! and stopping at that. My own thin, flat bellied daughter, takes a small bowl, puts a small number of chips in it and that is...that. She stops there. Portion control, she tells me! But how...how do I do it! How can I convince my brain that 5 will do...that 8 is enough? That just might be the bane of my skinny existence!

I've seen it at work. Lunchtime. I've noticed just how little people eat. How the tiny Muslim girl brings a very small plastic container and an equally small amount of stewy dish and eats it slowly...so slowly. I get the eating slower thing...that's something I can work on...but the tiny portion? Am I still eating too much even when I think I'm being more realistic? Obviously.

So, today I'm going to start measuring. I've done it before. It's amazing just how much rice/pasta a portion consists of. Shame on us as North Americans for filling our plates to overflowing. I can do better!

And I will.

Day 2 This Journey...

Second day of the New Year. I have to admit that yesterday was a bit of a bust. Lots of running around and eating out, which I know can be done successfully, unfortunately I choose not to bother yesterday.

Christmas is over. New Years too. We're back to the two of us. Quiet house, less hectic schedule. Soooo today's the day. I'm not going to get all caught up in when and how...starting on a Monday/morning/first day of month sort of thing. Just start. Fall down. Pick myself back up. Whenever. Wherever.

I've been thinking a lot on the premise of my blog. I considered using it as a "diet journal". You know, log what I eat...when I eat...why I eat. Track how many minutes/miles I walk. How boring for you! God knows anyone and everyone who's attempted to lose weight KNOWS the whys and hows. The fact is we could be dietitians. WE could be nutritional MDs! We've read it all, listened to "the lectures", followed Oprah though thick and thin (pun fully intended). We know how to do it. What we need is inspiration! motivation! We need encouragement from people just like us.

So...today...this second day of the New Year, I'm going to do just that. I'm going to share my journey with you...the good, the bad and the ugly. I know it's not going to be a piece of cake (no pun intended), but I'm ready...this time I'm ready.

Day 1 Postive Thinking

I can do that. FYI I do not necessarily want to be a "skinny" girl. NOt skinny like the growing list of self-starved starlets plastered on the pages of every Hollywood gossip mag.

~My "skinny" feels good all the time.
~My "skinny" is healthy. (Thankfully I am that...so I guess what I really want is to stay healthy and live a long healthy life).
~My "skinny" buys her clothes in something other than the "plus sized" sections. Who designs those things anyway? Do they even consider size? Shape? Can you really look good in some audacious, oversized, geometric print that hangs tent-like from your rounded shoulders? Our arms are the same length as everyone else! Why 3/4 length sleeves? Is it too much to ask to cover my entire arm and not leave that little bit of puffy tease peeking from the shoddy hemline of some cheesy fabric?
~Oh! and my "skinny" dreams of putting her socks on each morning without the struggle...without the heavy breathing...without begging Mr. Soontobeskinnygirl to kindly put on her right sock as she teeters precariously on her left leg, because she's got a nagging pulling pain in her hip when she "tries" to cross that leg over her right shin. (I know what you're thinking...shin? not knee? I'm sure you get the picture).
~My "skinny" can cross her legs. At the knee! You have NO idea what a big deal that will be!
~My "skinny" can shop for shoes! Yes, SHOP FOR SHOES! When my feet are anything less than Barney Rubbles, I will shop for shoes because I want to, not because my shabby backless Mary Janes with the velcro strap have seen their last days and in desperation I'm forced to buy myself a new pair. I'll shop for more than ONE PAIR! Shoe choices...I can't even begin to imagine!

That has left me breathless, but in a good way!

More tomorrow.