Day 31 Renewed Motivation

I'd be lying if I said this past month wasn't quite what I expected. In my head I was going to lose pounds...lots of them...mega even. Of course that's hard to do when you've cut your calories down to a two pound a week average loss. I should be happy with 4.5, after all, it's headed in the right direction.

Yesterday was a disastrous day. I suppose I was feeling a little sorry for myself. So instead of eating well...instead of counting calories...instead of working out...I ate bread....bread, bread and more bread. Rosemary Sourdough, that I bought home from work...dipping it into balsamic vinegar...and if that wasn't enough, I had potato, cheese and onion perogies for dinner....with fried onions...WITH sour cream. The only good thing I can say is that instead of something sweet...that sweet that I was craving...I ate handfuls of almonds. Probably far more than I should have had, but at least I didn't eat anything sweet. I'd like to believe it was because I had some will power left in me but honestly it was because I didn't have anything that tempting in the house. Wasn't that clever of me!

This morning I woke up with every good intention of eating well...walking...and until now...until only fifteen or so minutes ago, I've only managed a bowl of Bran cereal and an orange. I've avoided the walking....but...I've been reading some of your blogs (thanks Ms. PJ Geek), and because of you, I'm feeling motivated. If YOU can do it...so can I. I'm striking yesterday from my mind...today's a new day....

Off to walk....

Day 30 Disappointment

Weigh Day today and I haven't budged from my weight last week. While I'll admit to straying a little, I still thought I did pretty well. I suppose that means I'll just have to be more careful this week. I'm going to adjust my calorie intake a little because I'm feeling a little impatient! Fifty or so calories per day. That and intensify my work out.

Next week will be better!

Day 24 Weigh Day!

Yes I know. I'm a day late for my weigh in, but I wasn't home yesterday morning and I didn't want to weigh myself in the afternoon because it's always higher than first thing in the morning.

So a loss of 1.5! I know I should be elated but I'm a little disappointed because I had hoped for more! Other than that dinner out I've been so good...exercising every day but yesterday and eating so well!

Do I cut back on my calories? Is it a good idea? I want this to work. I want these pounds to stay off! I'm always reading that two pounds a week is the "right" way to lose but still, I would have preferred a nice BIG loss at the beginning.

Okay...I'm alright with this! In fact, I'm good with it. I'm down. I'm not up. I'm not the same. Slow and steady. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I feel better. I stand taller. I definitely have more energy. I can bound up the stairs at work without huffing and puffing. When I stand at the mirror, almost naked, I can see my tummy isn't quite as big and my shoulders don't seem so round. And here is the most exciting thing...I notice my shoes are loose! Goodbye Barney Rubbles!

I'm off to visualize my new shoes!

Day 21 No Regrets...

Last night was great! The Moroccan Chicken was incredible. I was right about the couscous. I drank more wine than I planned to. :-( (Of course it wasnt' my fault, they just kept pouring!)

I really have no idea how many cals the chicken dish was. I even searched the web to see if I could get an approximate, but it varied anywhere from 280 to 1000 cals. The chef du jour is pretty health conscious so I'd like to think he was careful about the fats, etc. I was careful about portions, taking about 1/2 cup couscous (in my estimation anyway) and only one serving of the chicken dish. They did have broccoli which was great and basically a free food as far as I'm concerned. My bread went very well with the dinner (it had anise in it which I thought was a little odd but I can see now that it was perfect with the spicyness of the chicken.) I had dessert...why oh why did I do that! Chocolate cake...but just a sliver. I could have done without. It was store bought so nothing too exciting and then he topped it with a small scoop of ice cream which I didn't want. (Yes, I know I could have left it on my plate). I need to stick with my rule about eating the "decandent" things in life. If it's not "the best" quality...if it's a waxy piece of chocolate...skip it...if it's a Callebaut chocolate from France...indulge in a small piece. Easier said then done.

Anyway, I went over my daily allowance. More than I'd hoped. One glass of wine might have kept me just at the top end of my day. I'll keep that in mind for next time. I don't want to beat myself up over this. It really was such a good evening...great company, amazing food...lots of laughs. Surely that's good for my overall well being?

I had calories banked for the week. I've been under every day. In fact, I'm still a little under, though I only guessed at what the chicken dish might have cost me. Today I'll eat light. Tomorrow too. I wanted to exercise when I got home last night but it was late...and I was tired...and too much wine...well, it didn't seem like a good idea.

So lesson learned?
1. If I'm going to drink wine...one glass will do (the funny thing is I RARELY drink at all!)
2. Skip the bread...it wasn't at all necessary and I'd like to think that had it been bread I hadn't baked, I would have passed it over, but I wanted to see if mine was any good.
3. Dessert...well, honestly that's a no brainer. If it's something light, perhaps a small serving. If it's decadent, then small serving too. If it's store bought or nothing amazing...if it's loaded with fat laden calories...skip it.
4. "No thank you" isn't really that hard to say. And...it's polite.

This morning is a new day. I've already worked out! Perhaps I'll do it again tonight. Either way...no regrets....I'm back on track!

PS For my sister who'll be reading this... We need to have dinner parties more often! It was so much fun!

Day 20 Lordy, I Knead Help!

I’m making bread (it’s rising as we speak). Moroccan Bread with anise and sesame seeds. I know it's ironic, especially when “self-diagnosis” has found me “sensitive” to breads of any sort. I enjoyed working with the warm pliable dough and I’m guessing that a few calories were burned with every punch, poke and pull, but I won’t count them because I’m not sure it’s exactly cardio. I'm sure one hour of continuous kneading might count for something...but 10 minutes? No. However, with any luck those 10 minutes will build some much needed muscle in my flabby upper arms.

I will eat a piece…but just one…or maybe half...116 calories/slice. Not bad.

I’m making it for a dinner party tonight. Which brings up an entirely new topic. Eating out. The main course is Moroccan Chicken...hence the Moroccan bread. There’s no way to know how many calories are in the chicken. I’m not the one making it and I think it would be rude to ask or worse yet to poke around the cookbooks of my host hoping to find the nutritional info listed at the bottom of the recipe. I suppose this is where portion control comes in. One piece of chicken, preferably breast…a little sauce (I’m assuming it will be saucy)…a teeny tiny portion of couscous or whatever else he’s serving with it. Hopefully there will be veggies...or salad! That's it, I'll fill up on those!

As insane as this might sound, it sort of throws me off. Not knowing. I’m a little anal about following the rules. I like things to be exact. Perfect. I'm the girl that would rather rewrite an entire page than to leave it with a stroked out error. I’ve been so careful about calories and counting them...mentally doing the math as I plunk the numbers into my amazing iPod app. This is going to screw up my LoseIt log on my iPod! I’m going to have to guess at the calories! Arrgggh!!

So, I’m admitting to being worried...even when, deep down, I know I can do this. It shouldn't be that hard. I’m eating light through the day so that I can enjoy my dinner with "less" guilt. I might even have a little dessert if it’s not so ungodly fattening...just a small taste.

Think positive. I can do this! I will NOT let this bring me down. I will not consider it a “fail”. I’ll have a wonderful time tonight. I’ll enjoy the food and maybe even a small glass of wine and start anew tomorrow. This won’t be the last time I have to deal with something like this. Maybe this is my biggest challenge of all...coping...

'Til tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Day 19 Outta Sight....Outta Mind?

I was reading through blogs yesterday (in fact I’m writing this yesterday and saving it to post today because it’s just so thought provoking!) and happened upon a post by Lyn over at Escape From Obesity. It’s all about visual triggers and how to overcome them. Lyn’s own solution has been to avoid reading magazines with unhealthy food in them or moving away from the TV when some fat laden foodie advertisement comes on.

I suppose I also suffer from visual triggers to a degree. I can’t say that seeing a picture of Frito Lays in a magazine makes me want to jump up and eat them…though would I if I had them in the house? That really is the solution, isn’t it? Just don’t have that stuff around. Can I really think of a good reason, why I should have bags of potato chips or a chocolate bar in the house? No. Not ever to be honest. Halloween maybe. But when that bag of chocolate bars sits in this house waiting for trick or treaters to appear, I swear I hear my name being called.

Normally I don’t have that stuff sitting around. Thank goodness! I rarely buy chips unless I’m having people over (the Tostidos I ate the other night were from Christmas). Even then I could make better choices for my guests. I could make pita chips…with a nice low fat Tatziki or a veggie platter (which doesn’t seem to be as popular as it was a few years back?)

I might be 100 pounds overweight but I really do food shop carefully. It’s taken me years to get to this point. Healthy eating magazines and cookbooks are always advising the “pantry clean out”. I’ve never done it per say but years of mostly vegetarian eating, pouring through healthy food mags, choosing recipes from “light” cookbooks and wise food shopping have whittled away at the crap and I’m now left with a pretty nice looking, health conscious, food storage cupboard and refrigerator.

It’s when I’m lined up at the register, waiting for the girl to ring my groceries through that I am aware of just how careful I am about my food choices. As I wait for my broccoli and bananas to pass by, I’m always watching the shopper behind me and noting the bags of frozen fries, dinners in a box, pop, chips, crackers, etc. he/she plunks onto the counter behind me. That was me once.

Never again….

A Great Big Thanks!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you sending me well wishes and taking the time to comment on my blog. I hope you know just how much I appreciate all the words of encouragement and much needed tips.

I'm never sure if I should be emailing you after you comment or not. I'm just learning blog protocol so to speak, so please...someone advise me otherwise if I'm doing this wrong!

I'm reading your blogs daily and finding so much inspiration in them. Keep up the good work! You keep me motivated!

With warm and most sincere thanks...

-B

Day 18 Testing Myself

Last night I ate a carb laden dinner. It was delicious!...Homespun Pot Pie (from one of my Moosewood cookbooks)...filled with sweet potatoes, white potatoes, carrots, onions, mushrooms, peas and corn...and this lovely sauce made from cornstarch and a little soy sauce. If the veggies alone weren't enough, it was topped with a wonderful biscuit "crust"....the biscuits speckled with dill. Yummy! It wasn't exactly low cal. A whopping 471 calories, which doesn't really matter so much if you can afford to add that many to your daily log and which...luckily enough I could. In fact, I had so many calories left after my breakfast/lunch (I ate late) and single snack that I could afford to eat my pot pie and some extra fruit in the evening and still I had a surplus of calories at the end of the day.

So, the problem with this dinner...and all those heavy carbs is that it made me want to eat more! I've been questioning the whole "carbs and me" issue for a long while and now I see that I was right. Avoiding an excess really is most beneficial to me. The good news is that I didn't cave in to my craving. Once I stopped and walked away that "urge" left me and though I was hungry...no make that...though I FELT hungry....last night while watching the Golden Globes (oh dear, Harrison Ford is looking so very old!), I wisely chose some fruit.

On an even more positive note I have to say I'm feeling very good! I notice my skin is much smoother (possibly from all the water I'm drinking) and I feel as though I'm walking taller...straighter...and I know it's only been 3 pounds but I swear that little dent at my waistline is more pronounced!

With that...I'm off to exercise!
Happy Monday everyone!

PS I see I've managed to add myself to my own followers list...how that happened, I haven't a clue!

Day 17 Blech!

I made my Broccoli Raab with the White Bea...well, you know...and if I have to be honest here? It wasn’t very good (that’s being kind). How disappointing! It looked so pretty on the pages of Vegetarian Times and at a calorie count of 220 (plus my 1/2 cup of rice) it seemed a good choice. It was packed with all sorts of good-for-you things and it looked as pretty on my plate too.

It just wasn’t what I expected. Broccoli raab or rapine or whatever it is you call it, is...a little bitter...a lot bitter in fact...and I might have guessed it wasn’t going to suit my palate because I’m not fond of any of the “wilted green foods” (Though I will eat spinach in my omelets). It was all I could do to finish most of what was on my plate. Now Mr. Soontobeskinnygirl got the “don’t complain about what I’m making for dinner" lecture in advance and so I think he was afraid to say that he didn’t like it either. HE finished his plate…and then he noticed that I was tossing the flaccid bits of leafy greens and squashy grape tomatoes to the side of my plate, sorting through to the rice and beans. I managed to get down most of it...after all, it WAS healthy, but...I won't be making it again!

Live and learn...

Nasty dinner aside, yesterday was another great day! Perfect yet again. I’m almost afraid to say that for fear of cursing this amazing run I’m having, but I feel so confident about this journey. I know it’s not going to be a picnic (though low cal of course), but it just seems so effortless this time around. Why didn’t I count cals a LONG time ago?

Mr. STBSG and I watched a movie last night. I had allotted myself a few Tostidos Multigrain Chips in my daily count...14 to be exact...one serving...and 2 tbsp. of salsa (I could have had more, it’s almost calorie free!). I did enjoy them. I made a point of eating them slowly which is pretty unusual for me...normally I'm eating them by the handful. So, 14 chips later, 2 tbsp. of salsa...and that was it...no "oh dear lord, I really want more". Snack satisfaction! Everything in moderation! (Patting myself on the back)

I am sooo happy!!!
Looking forward to another good day!

Happy Sunday!

Day 16 Weigh Day!

I know you've all been waiting in anticipation, so here it is....

According to my old scale, I'm down 6 lbs. Remember that's the scale I first weighed myself on at 242. A loss of 6 pounds. I'm at 236...according to my old scale.

Now on my new Weight Watchers scale...which I happen to believe is much more accurate than my old scale...I'm at 239. I'd really LOVE to take the 236, but since I'll be weighing in each week on my new scale (and tossing the old one), I'm going to have to go with that. 3 pounds. I'm happy with that. I have to admit I sort of had my heart set on a huge loss...but I'm so determined this time, I'll happily take the 3. After all, slow and steady wins the race, right?

So what have I learned from this week?

1. I don’t really need a full cup of orange juice in the morning. 110 calories are just too much for a drink that's not exactly filling my belly and making me feel full. I know an orange is the better choice, but unfortunately they've been crap lately...and soon to be very expensive I guess with the freezing temps in Florida. This morning I diluted it with water to make my usual one cup. I know you're thinking why do I need a cup when half will do? I take a plethora of vitamins each morning and I can down 'em all with one cup. Silly I know...

2. Even 1 tbsp. of salad dressing is too much! I LOVE my Stonewall Kitchens Cilantro Lime Dressing, the flavour is to intense I can get a way with using less, but that 1 tbsp. is 90 calories. That makes my favourite salad meal almost a hundred calories more than it needs to be! I could search for a great tasting low fat dressing, though I've never been terribly happy with the choices out there. I'm also convinced that all the diet foods, etc. plastered in our magazines, flashed on our television screens and pushed in our supermarkets are making us fatter. I'm all about eating "normal" foods and not depending on light/low-cal/fat-free everything. What I need to learn is portion control, not finding that low-fat food I can "eat more of" Don't get me wrong. There are definitely some things I use that are "light"...feta cheese, mayo, yogurt, to name a few. My solution to the excessive calories I'm using on my salads is to cut the tbsp. down to 1 tsp. and use a little lime juice as well. Voila!

3. Exercise really is the answer. Maybe it's because I'm feeling so positive, but I have to admit that I am really enjoying my 30 minute walking workout. Burning 133 calories (according to my "Lose It!" app) can make the difference in breaking my calorie bank or saving it. Jack from Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit make a good point though. He says "You may come to find what I did: that a piece of cake simply isn't worth 45 minutes on an elliptical or bike". I concur, though I suppose it's nice to have that option should the occaision arise.

4. I am totally suprised by the world of weight loss blogging! Who knew that like-minded bloggers could be so amazing. The solidarity here in blogland is second to none and never in all my calorie counting/point logging years...not though any program I’m squandered my money to...have I ever received such encouragement and support....and remember I've only been here a short time! Thank you to everyone!

And finally...I am accountable for my eating habits.

I am really looking forward to my second week!

Still Day 15

I bought a new scale. I'm thinking it would have been a much better idea to buy it BEFORE I had my initial weigh in because I'm pretty sure my old scale isn't very accurate. If I shift just a teeny tiny bit in either direction I can send that dial an entire 10 lbs (unfortunately it's most often on the heavier side of the dial). So, today on my way home from work, I decided to stop and buy a scale. Weight Watchers. I have no idea how good it is, but it's digital and supposedly accurate (then again they all say that). It didn't cost me much which of course makes me think it's not that good, but we'll see.

Tomorrow's the day....
*fingers crossed*

Day 15...Weigh Day tomorrow...What if?

First of all I wanted to tell you all that did chose to do my 30 minutes of walking last night!! "Pats myself on the back!" I just knew that being those few calories over my daily limit would throw me off kilter...sort of put me in some funk that would throw me into some cheating frenzy. I'm so proud of myself for doing it! Firstly because it was late..10:45 or something crazy when I made the decision and secondly because it would have been so much easier to just say "oh the heck with it" and hit the hit. So yes...I walked and because of that my day was just under the 13 something or other thousand cals I'm allowed.

You learn a few things doing this. I can see now that I CAN have a piece of pie or cake or whatever calorie ridden thing I feel I just can't resist...but in order to do that I also need to burn off those calories. Thirty minutes of walking flies by...and I checked out snowshoeing and it burns 400+ calories in 30 minutes! Perhaps I'm going to have to trek with Mr. Soontobeskinnygirl this weekend.

Weigh Day tomorrow....am I nervous? I am. I know I'm down...in fact this morning as I'm dressing for work, I noticed my clothes hang better...just feel better. But still...what if? What if I don't lose...enough? I can't believe I just typed that! Are there too few pounds I'd want to lose in a week? Can I be happy with the two pounds a week I've set my goal at? Isn't a loss better than no loss at all? I'm well aware that the first week is often a big loss...water mostly. So will I be disappointed if I don't have one?

Time will tell...
Verdict tomorrow.....

Day 14 Too Hungry To Cook...

I hate arriving home from work in the dark. I especially hate coming home and having to make dinner. Tonight for example, I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things. I should also mention I have a thirty minute drive home, so suffice it to say that leaving work at 6..groceries...and then the long drive (did I mention it was in the dark?) leaves me ummmm...well, ravenous! So much for my Broccoli Raab (with the white beans, grape tomatoes and Parmesan cheese). That dinner will have to wait until tomorrow night...or perhaps Saturday. The recipe states that it takes less then 30 minutes to prepare...but...30 minutes is a very long time when you're starving to death, counting calories and trying very very hard to be a good girl when it comes to eating. Luckily I was thinking! I knew I'd be starving by the time I got home, so I picked up a roasted chicken at the store and a huge container of mixed greens. So salad and chicken and....yes, I have to confess I had a black olive, Parmesan cheese bread stick. Damned things! We make and sell them where I work, and we had a few packages leftover and so I was "talked" into taking them home. But I did stop at one, so that's good...and of course I counted it on my daily calories consumed chart. I also brought home 3 Caramel Apple Brioches that were "testers" and let me tell you, I tried one prior to following this calorie count thing (well a bite, not an entire one) and it's so incredibly delicious. But I knew bringing them home was going to be a bad idea unless I could get rid of them and so I gave them to my hubby to take to a friend's for coffee!! Smart move, more so because he didn't bring home the one that wasn't eaten. I feel very good about that! In fact, I am a little over my calorie count today..not a lot, but a bit...which is sort of bothering me and of course I could do my 30 minute workout to eat those few calories up...which I might do...or I could just be okay with it because so far I have 450 calories banked for the week.

I'll send this and think it over (I'm thinking the exercise is going to win out if I want to keep this perfect week going!)

Day 13 Headachey :-(

I stayed home from work today because I was up most of the night with a splitting headache. The kind where your head won't stop pounding no matter how many pills you swallow and you feel sick to the stomach. The kind where you just want to lie in bed, in the dark, in a very quiet room. I'm still feeling a little heavy headed tonight, though much better, thanks. My sister has diagnosed me with caffeine withdrawal and I'm going to have to agree with her. I haven't had a coffee since...last Friday I think. I know in the end I'll feel better for it and all in all it's a healthy choice. Green tea for me today and lots and lots of water.

The good news is I had another perfect day eating wise! Woohoo!! No cravings whatsoever and just all around good eating. I didn't make my planned Broccoli Raab with the white beans, grape tomatoes and parmesan cheese for dinner. (Remember I'm basically a vegetarian) I whipped up an egg white omelet instead and packed it with onions, red peppers, mushrooms, spinach and even a little grated potato. I was careful about the cheese..1 ounce...no more and truthfully, I probably didn't need it 'cos the omelet itself was just so yummy. Obviously more veggie than omelet so good.

Tomorrow night it's the Broccoli Raab, with a little rice. (It's a new recipe and though I've never tried the Broccoli Raab, I've heard it's tasty and well..green...and everything green seems to be very good for us!)

Planning ahead really does help to keep me on track. I find when I fall is when I don't have a clue what to make for dinner...or worse yet, I have nothing at all to eat in the house and so I'll eat bread...and bread and more bread yet...or perhaps I'll have a bowl of cereal or two (god, I do love cold cereal!). So I've made a small grocery list of a few things I need to pick up on my way home tomorrow night. It means I'm going to be shopping for food less than a week after my major grocery shopping. I'm not saying it's a bad thing...just something I don't usually do, but perhaps it's a better way to plan...I'm thinking...definitely!

More tomorrow...

Day 12 Who knew?

Day 4 of tracking my actual food calories and it's been a huge eye opener! I especially love the app on the ipod, it has a little bar showing me where to "stop". So far things have been good, though I'm really watching what I eat, which I've come to realize is considerably less than I would normally eat. Today for example. Breakfast consisted of 1 cup all bran, 1 cup skim milk and a glass of orange juice. I had a mid morning snack...1 clementine and 10 roasted almonds. Lunch was a cup of baby spinach, 1 cup of mixed canned beans (I love them!) and 1 tbsp. of my favourite dressing. For dinner I'm having a Curried Spinach and Pea Soup, 1/2 naan and a Cucumber Peanut Salad, and a glass of skim milk. That's it...in fact eating all that my caloric count for the day is slightly over but I plan to walk my thirty minutes and then I'll be left with a few calories to play with if I should decide to do so.

I'm not really eating much in the way of grains and I know those are important to a healthy diet. Tomorrow I'll have rice for dinner and I suppose the bran and naan count for today. I think next time I'll sprinkle some wheat germ or something on my salad or perhaps the chia seeds I bought but am afraid to eat? As I said before, I'm not at all in favour of a no-carb diet but I really do feel so good when I avoid them...or at least when I limit what I do eat. My head feels clearer and it's just "too" easy to follow my plan. I hate to say that, but honestly no cravings again today! No coffee. No sugar. Less bread.

Maybe I'm on to something?

Work tomorrow. I need to plan my meals and snacks tonight so I'm prepared. I also need to make a point of having snacks between my meals. I'll take a protein smoothie in the morning and maybe I'll cut my lunch a little short so I can take a little break mid afternoon for some carrots and nuts. All in all I'm pretty confident the day will go well!!! I'll let you know!

Day 11 ipods and Calorie Counting

Perfect day! Why? I wish I knew. Why are some days just so easy to stay on track and others a constant battle? Today I didn't even crave...not one tiny bit. Not even while my husband ate handfuls of some snack mix. Nope...not even the slightest desire. I ate everything I had planned to eat. I walked. I tracked each and every calorie.

I didn't drink coffee. Not my usual Nescafe Instant Hazelnut that I often have on my days off...where one leads to another and another still. I've read the label...over and over again. No sugar, even though someone told me it's in there. I'm beginning to think that coffee sets something off in my brain...this trigger that says "eat me" to everything I see. As crazy as that might sound, I really think there's some truth to it. SOMETHING causes me to binge...to crave...to lose control. God, if I could figure it out I'd be rich!

I did add an app to the ipod my daughter gave me over Christmas. It tracks calories and I'm loving it! Easy peasy and the nicest thing is it's small enough to carry around without the hassle of pens, papers, etc. I plugged my height and both starting and goal weight and it spit out the number of calories I should be eating in a day...with several options. I choose the 2 pounds a week weight loss. I think my heart skipped a beat when it calculated Feb 2011 as my goal date. That really doesn't seem so far away! When I think how quickly 2009 flashed by, 2011 can't be far behind.

I really can do this...One year and counting...

Day 10 Bigger is Sometimes Better

Day 2 of calorie counting and already I'm learning...or at least remembering a few "tricks". I was about to pour my 3/4 cup of Life cereal into my teeny tiny bowl and it suddenly stuck me. I could eat MORE Bran cereal...a full cup...for 10 calories less! More bang for my buck! Course we all know that Bran is better for us, more fiber, less sugar. Remember it's that sugar thing that sets me on some mad binge eating, so less for me is definitely a good thing.

I suppose it never hurts to take a refresher course. Just when I thought I knew it all (remember..."we could be dietiticans!", "We could be nutritional MDs!")

My apologies for showing off...

Daaaaay....Let's see...9...that's it....

I've been away for a few days. I stayed overnight at my sister's on Thursday because it was so bloody cold here that my husband dropped me off at work (because our mostly wonderful Diesel Jetta would never start in this bone chilling weather...not without being plugged in...a luxury I don't have at my work and even then when it's -40C, I don't know that a block heater would keep it warm enough to start it up). So, I stayed the night and he picked me up the next day.

I showed her my blog. My sister AND my niece. Revealing my weight...adding that little weight loss progress bar at the side of this blog seems more daunting than it did before "I came out". But I'll do it. I said I would. Accountability.

I read them a few of my posts and we did a lot of laughing (not that weight loss is a laughing matter, but you have to admit it helps keep you from tearing your hair out). I knew she could relate to a few things I said, after all, it happens to be her husband that's always commenting on how our family evaluates the food we're filling our faces with. In fact, I wish you could have been there for dinner. Hurry Curry (yummy) and the Quick Chickpea Curry in Martha's latest edition of Food. Try it if you have access to it...it's quick and easy and really delicious! Lots of "oh yum" noises coming from all of us...just as I knew there would be.

So today I'll post it. My weight. I'm also going to attempt to count calories this week...or at least for a few days. Something I haven't done for eons. It sounds entirely tedious but maybe I need a reality check when it comes to how much food I'm filling my belly with. In fact, I can't believe how LITTLE cereal a single serving is and I'll admit that this morning I made it two servings because the single size just seemed ridiculously small! 3/4 cup! Add a cup of skim milk and another cup of orange juice to that and I'm already up to 415 calories. I'm not sure what MY required calorie intake for a day should be, I'm about to take a little online survey to find that out. I'm guessing it's going to be more than the recommended 1200 calories we ate in the stone ages when I first attempted weight loss. Actually, that's probably pushing it...it was most likely something crazy...something like 800 cals. I'm old enough and smart enough to know now that that's totally unrealistic. I'm also not willing to starve myself on my road to slimsville. So.....

Time for my snack...a banana and a few almonds and a quick post of my starting weight. How I'm going to enjoy watching the numbers fall!

I just wanted to add...
Seems that to maintain my weight I should be eating 3850 calories a day! Scary to think that I am often eating more than that when those ugly pounds creep upwards. It's suggested to cut 500 cals for a healthy weight loss of pound a week. I'm thinking I can afford two pounds a week. At least this early in the game...what do you think?

Day 6 Can it be?

Six days already? Time flies! I haven't stepped on the scale since I've started this journey. Not sure when I will. I will though, admit to feeling better. No more achy legs. Can it really be just a few added pounds that would cause them to do so?

I can't say that I've been perfect, but I am definitely making a conscious effort. Okay, so that extra scoop of homemade mac and cheese probably wasn't necessary but it tasted so good! Sometimes I wish that I hated food...that I was finicky about what I put in my mouth. The fact is I LOVE food! I love to make it. I love eating it. I love pouring over cookbooks and trying new things. So could that be a large part of my of my overeating problem?

I've read about people that eat just for the sake of eating. Not that they love it...just that it keeps them alive. Yes, I want to be one of those people! Or do I? It doesn't sound like much fun. It doesn't sound at all exciting! I mean what can dinner be like with someone like that...no mmmm-ing and ooooh-ing over the food on their plate. No scrutiny! No praise! My family thrives on that! We love to critique what we're eating! Ask my brother-in-law!

So I'll continue to love food. I'll just work at loving the healthy foods. Less fat. Less sugar. Less food. I know it can't be that hard.

Vegetable curry tonight...

P.S. I read something rather insightful today. From the blog of a man that's lost a lot of weight. It's a motivating read. http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2010/01/and-away-we-go.html

Day 5 Why Me?

I haven’t revealed my weight to you yet. I’ve been purposely avoiding it. In fact, you’re not going to know it even now. I suppose it’s embarrassment…especially if someone I know reads this blog. Strange really. It’s not like the extra pounds are invisible but it’s humiliating admitting it to anyone (myself included). When I lose it I'll be thrilled to tell everyone. So suffice it to say I have a lot to loose. A hundred pounds...nothing less...perhaps a little more. 100 lbs. Wow...THAT sounds SO far away.

I’ve done it before. Lost I mean...but never 100 lbs. 40 at the most. Forty is a lot, though in comparison to 100 it seems like a pittance...but still, I did it. I do remember how it felt. How good I felt. How everyone congratulated me. I also remember feeling a little awkward in my new body. I’m guessing that’s normal. One of the things remember most is shopping. The very first time I stepped in a clothing store with “normal” sizes. It was attached to the plus sized store so the woman helping me could appreciate my excitement when I told her I hadn’t fit into a size 16 for ages. That felt soooo good.

I have to wonder how I let myself get this big. I mean forty pounds is one thing, but 100? I remember when I said I’d never allow myself to climb above the two hundred mark. Never say never. The strange thing is I don’t feel this large. Okay, so that’s only partly true. I do when my legs ache. When my chest hurts as I gasp for breath after anything remotely physical. I know it when I’m sitting in a theatre seat and my butt fills the chair and my knees push forward because my thickness is too big for the space. But I don’t feel obese. There...I’ve said it. I don’t feel like the very large people I see in magazines or on TV. That is, not until I see a picture of myself. That’s when it hits me.

We watched family videos at my sister’s over the holidays. I really loathe myself in them. I look big. VERY big. I have that fat-woman face. I watched myself perched on the edge of her sofa...thick knees...sausage fingers folded in my lap...periodically tugging at my shirt...looking more than a little uncomfortable. My mother commented when seeing me, “You look skinny there!” SKINNY? I thought I looked larger than life itself!

That did it for me.

I need to dig out pics of me. Plaster them over the house.

Incentive or humiliation? I guess we'll see.

Day 4 Blech!

Feeling a little "blechy" today. Tired and achy. My legs especially. That sort of throbbing, thickish, achy feeling. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the weight I've put on over the holidays...that and the fact that I think I have varicose veins, though they're nicely hidden under fat. Did I mention that I jumped on the scale yesterday after a long hiatus? Yep, I did. It wasn't good news...in fact, I damned near fainted! But this morning it's not nearly so bad. Perhaps it was water retention yesterday...definitely that horrid mid afternoon weigh in. (I should know better). Anyway, today I'm much the same as I was before Christmas so that is good news. I just feel worse. I've been lazy. I've eaten too much junk.

Spilt milk. I was pretty careful about my food choices yesterday...eating a salad with mixed beans for lunch and black bean burgers for dinner. Bean overload I know, but I love them! I'm pretty sure I ate the recommended daily fiber and then some. The good news...beans have become a huge part of my diet but don't cause me any problems (c'mon, you know exactly what I mean...). I probably shouldn't have eaten so many sweet potato fries though (homemade so I limited the oil I used and baked them in the oven). I wanted to avoid carbs and though I'm not sold on the low carb diet thing, I have noticed that carbs really don't agree with me. Endomorph. Naturally thick. God, that sounds sad. I'm sure there's a willowy wrist under here somewhere! Anyway, it makes perfect sense because Endomorphs are carb intolerant and I find if I can avoid them, I do feel MUCH better. Energetic. Thinner. More alert. So I avoid things like breads, rice and pasta. I still believe fruits are good for me. Potatoes too. I just need to limit the amount I eat. Lecturing to myself. Sometimes I need that.

So today I did 15 minutes of indoor walking (there's the best video on Real Age). I planned to do 30 but the link copped out on me. I'll do it again this afternoon I think. I wasn't feeling particularly spry whilst doing it, but anything is better than nothing, right? I'm also drinking lots of water. That too, makes me feel better. Small steps towards bigger successes.

I really am ready!

Day 3 Portion Control

Yesterday went so well. Then last night happened. We were invited to friends and the drinks and goodies got the best of me. Not that I drank much...but one cranberry margarita and 3 mugs of hot apple cider can't be good for me, not to mention the homemade nuts and bolts mix, cheese ball and crackers and cookies. I started off well, and I should know better, because for me it's all or nothing. If I don't eat it, I don't crave it...but when I do...look out! I can't stop. Crazy I know and I wonder how many of you have the same problem. There must be some medical reason for this...surely it's not all willpower?

I watch the thin people I know and see them taking 5 potato chips...yes 5! and stopping at that. My own thin, flat bellied daughter, takes a small bowl, puts a small number of chips in it and that is...that. She stops there. Portion control, she tells me! But how...how do I do it! How can I convince my brain that 5 will do...that 8 is enough? That just might be the bane of my skinny existence!

I've seen it at work. Lunchtime. I've noticed just how little people eat. How the tiny Muslim girl brings a very small plastic container and an equally small amount of stewy dish and eats it slowly...so slowly. I get the eating slower thing...that's something I can work on...but the tiny portion? Am I still eating too much even when I think I'm being more realistic? Obviously.

So, today I'm going to start measuring. I've done it before. It's amazing just how much rice/pasta a portion consists of. Shame on us as North Americans for filling our plates to overflowing. I can do better!

And I will.

Day 2 This Journey...

Second day of the New Year. I have to admit that yesterday was a bit of a bust. Lots of running around and eating out, which I know can be done successfully, unfortunately I choose not to bother yesterday.

Christmas is over. New Years too. We're back to the two of us. Quiet house, less hectic schedule. Soooo today's the day. I'm not going to get all caught up in when and how...starting on a Monday/morning/first day of month sort of thing. Just start. Fall down. Pick myself back up. Whenever. Wherever.

I've been thinking a lot on the premise of my blog. I considered using it as a "diet journal". You know, log what I eat...when I eat...why I eat. Track how many minutes/miles I walk. How boring for you! God knows anyone and everyone who's attempted to lose weight KNOWS the whys and hows. The fact is we could be dietitians. WE could be nutritional MDs! We've read it all, listened to "the lectures", followed Oprah though thick and thin (pun fully intended). We know how to do it. What we need is inspiration! motivation! We need encouragement from people just like us.

So...today...this second day of the New Year, I'm going to do just that. I'm going to share my journey with you...the good, the bad and the ugly. I know it's not going to be a piece of cake (no pun intended), but I'm ready...this time I'm ready.

Day 1 Postive Thinking

I can do that. FYI I do not necessarily want to be a "skinny" girl. NOt skinny like the growing list of self-starved starlets plastered on the pages of every Hollywood gossip mag.

~My "skinny" feels good all the time.
~My "skinny" is healthy. (Thankfully I am that...so I guess what I really want is to stay healthy and live a long healthy life).
~My "skinny" buys her clothes in something other than the "plus sized" sections. Who designs those things anyway? Do they even consider size? Shape? Can you really look good in some audacious, oversized, geometric print that hangs tent-like from your rounded shoulders? Our arms are the same length as everyone else! Why 3/4 length sleeves? Is it too much to ask to cover my entire arm and not leave that little bit of puffy tease peeking from the shoddy hemline of some cheesy fabric?
~Oh! and my "skinny" dreams of putting her socks on each morning without the struggle...without the heavy breathing...without begging Mr. Soontobeskinnygirl to kindly put on her right sock as she teeters precariously on her left leg, because she's got a nagging pulling pain in her hip when she "tries" to cross that leg over her right shin. (I know what you're thinking...shin? not knee? I'm sure you get the picture).
~My "skinny" can cross her legs. At the knee! You have NO idea what a big deal that will be!
~My "skinny" can shop for shoes! Yes, SHOP FOR SHOES! When my feet are anything less than Barney Rubbles, I will shop for shoes because I want to, not because my shabby backless Mary Janes with the velcro strap have seen their last days and in desperation I'm forced to buy myself a new pair. I'll shop for more than ONE PAIR! Shoe choices...I can't even begin to imagine!

That has left me breathless, but in a good way!

More tomorrow.