Day 5 Why Me?

I haven’t revealed my weight to you yet. I’ve been purposely avoiding it. In fact, you’re not going to know it even now. I suppose it’s embarrassment…especially if someone I know reads this blog. Strange really. It’s not like the extra pounds are invisible but it’s humiliating admitting it to anyone (myself included). When I lose it I'll be thrilled to tell everyone. So suffice it to say I have a lot to loose. A hundred pounds...nothing less...perhaps a little more. 100 lbs. Wow...THAT sounds SO far away.

I’ve done it before. Lost I mean...but never 100 lbs. 40 at the most. Forty is a lot, though in comparison to 100 it seems like a pittance...but still, I did it. I do remember how it felt. How good I felt. How everyone congratulated me. I also remember feeling a little awkward in my new body. I’m guessing that’s normal. One of the things remember most is shopping. The very first time I stepped in a clothing store with “normal” sizes. It was attached to the plus sized store so the woman helping me could appreciate my excitement when I told her I hadn’t fit into a size 16 for ages. That felt soooo good.

I have to wonder how I let myself get this big. I mean forty pounds is one thing, but 100? I remember when I said I’d never allow myself to climb above the two hundred mark. Never say never. The strange thing is I don’t feel this large. Okay, so that’s only partly true. I do when my legs ache. When my chest hurts as I gasp for breath after anything remotely physical. I know it when I’m sitting in a theatre seat and my butt fills the chair and my knees push forward because my thickness is too big for the space. But I don’t feel obese. There...I’ve said it. I don’t feel like the very large people I see in magazines or on TV. That is, not until I see a picture of myself. That’s when it hits me.

We watched family videos at my sister’s over the holidays. I really loathe myself in them. I look big. VERY big. I have that fat-woman face. I watched myself perched on the edge of her sofa...thick knees...sausage fingers folded in my lap...periodically tugging at my shirt...looking more than a little uncomfortable. My mother commented when seeing me, “You look skinny there!” SKINNY? I thought I looked larger than life itself!

That did it for me.

I need to dig out pics of me. Plaster them over the house.

Incentive or humiliation? I guess we'll see.